Due to the fact that, to most of you, I am just a floating head on a screen, it may surprise you to learn that I actually do have a body attached to that head. I know, madness! Like anyone, I have issues with my body (something I’m currently trying to get better at dealing with) and one of my main difficulties is the generous portion of breast I’ve been allocated. Yes, I’m a member of the big boobs club (okay, there’s not actually a club but maybe I should start one?) and, in a bid to entertain you all, I thought I’d share some of the ridiculous hazards that come with being ample of bosom.
1. No secret snacking:
I’ve never been somebody who shies away from declaring the fact that food is basically the only reason I wake up every morning. It’s just as well really because even if I were the kind of person to enjoy a secret snack every now and then, my boobs would betray me in an instant. On many occasions after having heartily enjoyed my lunch, I have unwittingly spent the rest of the afternoon walking around with the remnants displayed proudly upon my chest. Big boobs are basically the equivalent of having some prominent IKEA shelving attached to your person, ready to catch anything that may fall from above. It’d be super handy if this fleshy shelf could be utilised for actual storage (no more hauling a handbag around, huzzah!) but instead it simply serves as a miniature museum of what you’ve eaten that day.
2. Becoming a collector:
The problem with the shelf is that is ceases to become a shelf the very moment that you decide to wear anything even semi low-cut. Instead, the shelf transforms into somewhat of a canyon for items to fall down perhaps never to be recovered again. On occasion, I’ll engage in the sweet, sweet pleasure of removing my bra at the end of the day only to discover the equivalent of a disappointing fishing haul spread out on the floor beneath me. Old boots, pan lids… you know the kind of thing I mean. In all seriousness, I have lost earrings down there before now and have frequently had to deep-dive (sometimes in front of other unfortunate bystanders) for larger items of food.
3. Severely reduced arm length:
Yes, really. As greatly bestowed as I was in the boob department, I feel that I was somewhat shortchanged in the arm department. I am, in actual fact, a very pale, very small, T-rex. Add my massive bazookas to the equation and there’s not much capacity left for carrying out activities such as carrying boxes, hugging people, or reaching to retrieve an item from a shelf. Honestly, it’s like that comedy sketch of somebody trying to pick up a box but, instead of stepping up to it, they keep kicking it further away. I try to get my arms around something or someone and my boobs have other ideas.
4. Spending a fortune on lingerie:
I am not one of the fortunate folks who can just dip into their local high street store and grab a pretty new bra straight off the shelf. Instead, I have to go to a shop that caters especially for people who are anything above what is considered to be ‘normal’. If you’re wondering what it might be like inside one of these shops, I can confirm that your suspicions are correct. Machinery, scaffolding, project managers in hard hats brandishing clipboards, military parachutes being dismantled and formulated into ginormous hammocks for ladies to wear. Yep, you’ve got the gist… Of course I’m joking but, honestly, for the price of a decent bra in my size, you’d think a crack team had been set to work on a problem that even Einstein would have found troubling.
5. Being unprepared for the situation:
Being caught off guard and expected to engage in any kind of unforeseen physical activity can be a nightmare for somebody with a bust to think about. Daytime bras are specifically for sitting and very light bounce so, if one should find themselves unexpectedly running to catch a train, there’s likely to be significant fall out (literally). Unless of course you’ve managed to somehow whip out a contraption fit for sporting but, judging by how long it takes me to strap everything down before the gym, this seems unlikely. What is more probable is that you’ll see a person with a large chest using one arm as a shield across their boobs in order to soften the blow, whilst simultaneously trying to keep hold of all their belongings in the other hand. Further problematic activities are: jumping up and down with glee, bending down a little too quickly, or bursting into impromptu dance (which happens quite regularly with me, actually).
6. Knocking everything over:
This is one of my absolute pet hates about having an ample bosom because it’s incredibly embarrassing. It’s not enough that I already feel desperately self conscious about trying to keep everything inside my bra and exterior garments, I have to constantly bang into things and knock them over too?! Give me a break. I have knocked over drinks, leaned into plates of food, and swiped items off shelves in shops before now. It’s absolutely mortifying to be so completely spatially unaware of your own appendages.
And you thought big boobs were glamorous! I’m glad I could set the record straight and show you the often undignified side to being well endowed.
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